[This is essay #9 in our Spotlight Series. Click here for archives.]

While Bollywood is usually not the place to go for thought-provoking material, watching “Life in a… Metro” has provided me with just enough to get me going for this post. Admittedly, I am new to the field of torrid adultery as I do not watch such films, or serials, regularly, and I’d like to broach the subject not solely on the ethical basis for or against having affairs. What is it about the larger social context that seems to be demanding secret relationships, whether before or during/outside marriage? Silence speaks, and I want to explore the reasons behind this phenomenon in the hopes that some readers may come out of the proverbial closet.As part of my research for this post, I have perused new terrain: Yahoo! forums for relationship advice, classifieds. I have found a ‘cool guy’ who wants to have a relation with married females of Hyderabad, guys keeping their girlfriends a secret from friends and family, girls trying to keep their boyfriends under wraps but their best friends spill the beans—much to everyone’s chagrin. To my dismay, I struggled even to find a relationship advice blog or site, which in itself is a sign of a major lack of resources where people can seek some help. Those that I did find seemed sorely out of touch; one even itemised a list of 30+ things that must be known about the beloved if one is to take the relationship seriously!

Whether one wants to blame it on “Westernisation” through media, call centres or whatever, the point is that mores are changing amongst much of India’s youth. The correct response is not to try and reverse or cover up the process, but to help inform young adults about the pros and cons of sex so that they can make good decisions. (Given the state of debates on sex education here, unfortunately that doesn’t seem very likely.) Moreover, experiences in relationships need to be shared so that insights can be gained. The internet could be filling some of the void, yet my search didn’t yield many possible options.

The result, to me, is a very confused and confusing situation where people have pre-marital relationships, and sex, yet feel very guilt-ridden about them. I largely agree with Sanjukta on Mutiny.in:

Words like ‘date’, ‘dating’ is indeed extremely misunderstood amongst Indian youth, irrespective of gender. And am talking about metro youth, people I come across in my daily pursuit of life.

I understand the typical explanation that Indian culture calls for arranged marriages and no sexual experience beforehand, but obviously things are changing. Why can’t people be proud of their role in such change? Why must relationships be kept secret? I will try and brace myself against the possibly vociferous comments that I might be welcoming with such questions!

Another aspect of the current period is the prevalence of extra-marital affairs, whether secret or not. I think these are linked to secret pre-marital affairs, because, I suppose the reasoning goes that while one may not want to marry his or her sweetheart (for caste reasons or otherwise), why should a pesky little marriage come in the way of pursuing the relationship? Sadly, I think often women lose out from this arrangement—as willing to be a secret girlfriend often makes them somehow unmarriageable in their boyfriend’s eyes. But this is not to say that women themselves are not initiating their own affairs—for example, as wives going for younger men, or as single women courting those who are married.

Social change is never a smooth and simple affair, but neither is hiding the truth. Yet it seems that many who are currently in secret relationships are quite content with the arrangement and have no intention to shake things up. While one saying may be “what you don’t know can’t hurt you,” I believe that “honesty is the best policy,” and one that could perhaps even increase the rate of change and bring about the greater societal acceptance of pre-marital relationships. Call me an idealist, but we need to visualise a different world in order to create it.

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Becky is originally from Philadelphia, US, but has been in India for over a year working in the development sector. She spent six months in Bangalore with IT for Change, and is now based in Jaipur working at CUTS as a gender specialist of sorts. She enjoys dancing, yoga and eating out. Her personal blog is Becky Blab.